Snacking is bad. Don’t do it.

You already eat enough processed junk during normal meals. Tasteless microwave dinners, slimy lunch meat that’s been slapped together in a filthy factory, bread injected with so many preservatives that mold is scared to come within ten meters of it.

All that stuff you toss down your gullet is bad enough — don’t make it worse by grabbing a “light snack” between meals. Ha! Light snack? An oxymoron if there ever was one.

Don’t succumb to the temptation of those chocolate-covered pretzels. Don’t listen to the siren song of those limited-edition extra-thick peanut butter cups. Ignore the blandishing of the rocky road ice cream.

I know what you’re thinking: “This doesn’t apply to me! I snack healthily!”

I wish I could alter my jaded mind and believe you — but I can’t. I’ve seen people’s “vaunted” defenses crumble to dust, as if someone had attacked a medieval castle with a hydrogen bomb. People grab a piece of celery or a smoothie, and think they’ve done well – and then they balance out their healthy act by snagging a candy bar filled with a million grams of sugar and a dozen unpronounceable ingredients.

Oh God, the things I’ve seen….

No, it’s better to scrap snacking entirely, and —

What? No! How…how is this possible?

I ran from them, ran to the wastes of Minnesota, where I found an Internet cafe in a town with a population of 273 – I’m the only customer this decade – so I could upload this live stream — and they’ve found me! Somehow, some way!

Don’t listen to anything they say! Fight, dammit! Do not become a drone, a useful idiot, a receptacle for the garbage of the food industry!

Do not…get away from me! Take your hands off me! You will not prevail, you scum-sucking….

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Hello Snack Friends! This is Carlton Winkelphut, Vice President of Goodwill at United Snack Conglomerate (USC). You may have heard Mr. Odom’s mean rant just now, and I’d like to set the record straight, before you folks do anything foolhardy!

First off, while Mr. Odom is an employee of USC, his views are his own. We at USC do not endorse anything he has said — in fact, we believe the opposite! We believe snacking can be fun, enlightening, and – dare we say it – adventurous!

Consider our Active Adult Trailblazer Trail Mix. Filled with healthy goodness, it’s an essential snack for refueling after an intense mountain-biking outing, or a wet-and-wild whitewater-rafting escapade.

Or the Commodore Peanut Limited-Edition Extra-Thick Peanut Butter Cups, which Mr. Odom mentioned! Commodore Peanut, our beloved mascot for this product line, sails the high seas with an unquenchable zest for life, and you can too if you just bite into this peanut butter excellence!

Why did Mr. Odom make his ill-informed statements, and why did he run off to Minnesota to broadcast this live stream? Well, I can’t say for sure, but I think the pressure of his job got to him. He was the Quality Assurance Co-Manager at USC, and that’s a tough job. We all thought Mr. Odom was the right man for the position, but we were evidently mistaken.

Don’t worry, though – we won’t fire Mr. Odom just yet. We believe in working with our Team Members through trials and tribulations, rather than simply giving them a pink slip whenever they mess up. We’ll send Mr. Odom to our Re-Education Seminar, where I’m sure he’ll re-learn the Value of Snacking.

I wish I could stay and chat, but I have to get back to our Corporate Headquarters. So much work to be done! So many people to deliver our Snacking Message to!

I’m ending this live stream now. I hope you all have a wonderful day…and remember, Never Stop Snacking!

[END TRANSMISSION]

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One-Word Writing Prompt for The Daily Post – “Snack”